onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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