My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
