she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
