It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I could fuck to npr.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
