Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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