my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
