this beer tastes like vomit already
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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