I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
soo... how was my night?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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