Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
