At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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