I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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