I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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