Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
