I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
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