my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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