On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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