i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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