booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
