does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
