my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize