I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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