My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
