I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
