I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
