Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize