She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
