..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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