i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Dear god my vagina.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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