You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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