He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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