Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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