Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
