my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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