Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
