he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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