I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
