Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
They have beer where we have blood.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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