I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
True strength comes from lack of pants
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
