well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
