Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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