oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
