come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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