It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize