got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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