dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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