i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
