Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize