Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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