i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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