he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize