No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
A bitchslap is in order.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
