i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize