so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
