just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
