she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
