Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
