Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
