Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
