I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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